“When I Am in the Wrong”



I shouldn’t have pried into someone’s private life. This time it’s my fault that they don’t want anything to do with me. I pushed this person away. I messed up and I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to apologize to them. I hate myself for that. I would love to get a second chance with this person, but sadly who knows if that’s even possible.


Do any of us ever notice where and when we are in the wrong? It took me until after the fact and then that’s when the guilt was buried inside my soul. I need to pry inside myself to get it out of me! I hurt their feelings without ever knowing what their limit is. Just because I can handle something, doesn’t mean that they could do that. MOST persons aren’t as emotional and psychologically strong as me. MOST people are emotionally and psychologically weak, VERY WEAK!


I take no bullshit from anyone or anything. I’ve learnt to always put up a fight when there are moments where a sense of pain and hurt are about to arise. I keep my guards up often and carefully. Am I scared? Yes, I am, all the time as a matter of fact. How am I going to make my apology to someone that I love or at least lust over? Oh, I don’t know exactly, not at this very moment.


Am I in love or do is it just some kind of lust on my part? It’s difficult to say since I am feeling a bit airy over the matter. Part of me feels like I am in love while outsiders see me as being a bit compulsive in my lust over the person. I think that I love them, but that may not be the case.


Do women ever admit they’re wrong? It’s rare as a matter of fact. Men are less likely to apologize too, so either way, it’s equally unapologetic! People are extremely stubborn and it’s a tough call whether either gender will step up and the mature one to make the first apology. It doesn’t matter what a person’s age just so happens to be, it’s the maturity that they would have within themselves to be honest at their own mistakes.


In the real world, it’s not about who is generally better and perfect, what people tend to fail to understand that life is about who admits to their mistakes and truthfully learns from them. In our own mind, we have the assumption of, “I’m right, they’re wrong”, when it’s really, “I was wrong, they were right”.


A good person is humble, they even admit when they are in the wrong and have made mistakes that are unbearable. They don’t shy away from learning from their mistakes. They also accept other people who have made mistakes and admitted what they did wrong, so-as to learn from how they treat others. We live, we learn, and eventually, we really do love.


Where do I start? How do I start? When do I start? What shall I say? Who do I make a practice run with? Do I even make a practice run to someone or even to myself in the mirror? Why is this extremely difficult to do? How will they react? Will they even accept it? Will my panic attacks stop? Why is this so painful and agonizing to do? Why must this be so emotionally stressful for me?


There are so many questions that I can ask myself and others will do the same as they’re in my situation. It’s not easy, it’s very difficult to endure! I will conquer this someway, somehow, and someday. If I can overcome this matter to apologize for something that I did wrong, then everyone else should do the same thing as well! This feeling of a certain type of guilt is weighing heavily on my heart. I just want that feeling to lifted off of me.


“Jungle Boy”



Jungle boy doesn’t really know for now how old jungle girl (me) really is. Since he’s young and extremely stubborn, he didn’t get the chance to learn something important in life. The other two essays are about my loss of him after learning their darkest secret. I want to share something from a professional business perspective that I other people learn from.


When we don’t face our life fears, this will affect how we perform professionally since we won’t be empathetic to the needs of others. In just about any industry, we must show empathy not sympathy! With empathy, we reach the core of a person or even another business to generate more with. Since jungle boy is extremely handsome, he did seem too good to be true. He had a dark secret that he never received closure from. In his private life, he took flight to a certain situation and never did fight it. As a woman and what I endured, I always put up a fight first before eventually taking flight!

Whatever industry a person works in, we need to also put up a fight, to become successful long term. Jungle boy never really had any legit job but random sales gig until I met him, so he wouldn’t understand the importance of putting up a fight even in the world of business. When I’ve read the biographies of most self-made billionaires, they’ve all put up a fight in their said industry! Just like many musicians and actors, MOST were originally rejected, but put up a fight in what they do and are successful as they age verses those who’ve given up resulting in suicide or drug abuse. Jungle boy relies on his looks to get himself by and it’ll only last for so long until people learn of his dark secret.

I’ve been very fortunate to be surrounded by people who have helped me endure my tragedies and loss. Those friends aren’t perfect but have been a great deal of comfort to my pain. Jungle boy doesn’t really have anyone he can a shoulder to cry on and he’s never had that yet. He never let his emotional pain go, and in the world of business that will affect results.

Youths are ignorant. They think they can handle the world, but, they can’t even overcome what’s are home. A happy home results in a good job performance! When personal relationships fail, so does the job! When people give up in the home, they’ve proven to give up on the job! He’s had success at doing one particular job, but that’s because he numbed his personal life.

I never got a chance to, but would have loved for jungle boy to have been my successor as a Professional Socialite. He’s the perfect specimen due his similarities to me, but hopefully he can survive his pain and suffering like I have. I was the underdog when I started and he’s already starting as one too since he doesn’t know the business professional scene like I’ve had to rush to figure out! He hasn’t seen it and most definitely hasn’t participated in any of it. I’ll sign him up as an option but won’t allow him to attend anything I do until he does apologize in person and add me back on social media!

I had to learn the hard way to navigate the business professional life. I had to learn about so many companies I’ve never heard of and what they do. I’ve received some suggestions along the way of what I can or should do at times but that wasn’t even immediate. I’ve met people who were surprised to meet me since they found events through my listings. Many random strangers want the scoop to have all the fun and getting as much as they can for free!

Jungle boy doesn’t know any of that, yet! He currently sees things like a room with no windows to see out. I know I’ve been a harsh on him, it’s because I’m anxious and can’t physically tackle the professional party seen due to aging as a woman. He may have received an award in sales, but he doesn’t have a “overcoming life fears” award! I started out shy and nervous and jungle boy is mostly confident other than dealing with me!

What makes him the ideal successor is that the first letters of Professional Socialite are also his initials! It’s fitting that when or if he comes back around to me, he will be taking on something that isn’t a job but a lifestyle. I can sense he’s secretly snobby but in general he’s a nice person. I saw something in him that he doesn’t see in himself. I saw someone who was also a lost soul just like me but hasn’t made closure. I originally saw perfect, yet deep in his soul he was more imperfect than me. He’s stubborn as I was once that way. He’s business smart and I’m emotionally smarter than him. He’s a father to two sons, I’m a mother to two daughters. We’ve had loss in our lives. He produced imperfect children, whereas, mine are perfect to make up myself being imperfect! It’s only fitting that a very imperfect perfect person becomes the one to take the business world by storm all from their presence and conversational intelligence!


The imperfectness of the ever so perfect jungle boy, is what made my heart be in love with him when I learnt that about him.


By reading body language of people, we know how to make a sale and make a business deal. We need to listen how they speak and what words they choose to say, so that when we’re making a professional connection, it’s permanent and not just a temporary one. We shouldn’t just care to close a deal, we should make sure we have a business marriage instead that will never divorce!


So, if you are a reader and are curious why I used the words: jungle girl and jungle boy, it’s in reference of our heritage. Even though he and I weren’t raised in a real jungle, our ethnic heritage is rooted from the rain forest steeped in mountains close to the equator but in far opposite ends of each hemisphere. It’s not racist, it’s not degrading, it’s the truth! Also, he and I are both living in a figurative jungle now as adults.

“Jungle Girl and Jungle Boy, Part 2”



So, the truth comes out. I told him mine and then he told me his! He gave up on his sons because they have down syndrome. As a beautiful person as he his, his own children suffered due to his vanity. He gave up on them. He failed. He doesn’t think he failed since he’s young and hasn’t figured it out. His personal failure will affect his professional failure as it progresses, that’s if it does. Since he doesn’t have much business experience, he won’t know for a long time where he went wrong.


I did share him mine, but so far, he hasn’t been critical of it just yet. The difference is that I got closure and he doesn’t have any on his end since his is more tragic than mine. He has a lot of anger inside, it’s boiled! Even over text he finally told me, sadly, it’ better than nothing at all! Wow, I can’t believe I feel sorry for jungle boy!


From this short-lived experience, I’ve learned that MOST men who are extremely handsome just like jungle boy, do have deep rooted secrets and it’s even a bigger shocker that it’s worse than mine! From the previous article, I mentioned what made me love him and it still stands. He can hate me all he wants but seeing his reaction of a certain sadness and loss will always be stay with me, which put something in my heart to say, “I LOVE YOU”. Sadly, it’s originally explained in text format and not in person first. But the younger generation lacks physical connection more than anything. I’m still shocked that he reads real books!


So now that jungle boy knows that I love him in a very unconventional way, I’ll leave it at that. He’s spilled his darkest secret onto me of all people. I know it wasn’t what he expected either. Whether or not he finally gets closure in the near future, depends on his part as a human being. I hope he finally lets out his tears even if they’re not going to be with me any time soon since I got him all worked up and angry. I feel sorry for him. I may not see my kids that often, but they are healthy and intelligent, whereas he doesn’t have that at all! A sigh of relief has come off of me!


As I was putting this together, I discovered that he has blocked me on Facebook, unfriended me on Instagram, and oddly enough, I’m still on his LinkedIn!


I’ve learnt a lot about jungle boy in a month’s time. I’m glad that I never spent too much time with him from the start. I learnt his darkest secret. I made him angry for a good reason. I may have some love for him that’s emotional and not sexual, but overall, he’s a deadbeat babies’ daddy for giving up on his sons whom he says have down syndrome. He’s proven that he’s heartless and selfish. Any man who can’t love the people whom he brings into the world, can’t love another human being to be a significant other! If I can tell him in person at my angriest, I’d tell him that he can be with another hundred or thousand women, and as long as he continues on this failed life path of ignoring his own children, being with all those women will NEVER heal any of those wounds!


When I had gone through all of my hurt in my situation, I engaged with a lot of men and all of that never once provided me happiness in the end. I had to teach myself that I don’t need a man to fill in what I need, and that is love. Love is in me and I honestly didn’t care about myself at the time. I know now that sex doesn’t cure loss and it doesn’t fill in pain. Men just want a hole to stick his penis in and will only seek out vulnerable women who don’t know their darkest secret. Jungle boy is that way. He has a secret that other women don’t know and most women who are childless don’t care for. Men I met didn’t care about my kids, and for jungle boy, women whom he’s been with only want him for being attractive and that’s it, they don’t care for him to have his children in his life.


There is so much boiling inside that I’d tell him out of anger, but in hindsight, I don’t believe in stupefying myself. I have love in my heart. He has loss and I must the better person to teach him that he can endure his pain built inside. The structure of the pain is supposed to be temporary and in my situation, it was with some remnants scattered around what was there. In his case, it’s still looking like a more permanent fixture, when it shouldn’t be!


Just as every other guy who’s been somewhat involved with me, they come back at some point minus the fathers of my two children. I don’t have kids with jungle boy and we’ve never been intimate. The closest type of intimacy was just the kisses on the right cheek. He is accustomed to women chasing him that when someone like me met his match minus the looks department, he became scared because I didn’t chase after him other than sending the first picture messaging. He’s never done the chasing since his looks compensated for what he felt as if he didn’t need to do. I knew in my heart that there was a connection between him and me from the beginning. His initial charm got my attention, just as with anyone. Sure, he was too good to be true but his inner demons are still in town indefinitely. I broke down the pretty boy. He’s never been emotionally shredded up for his own benefit before. Will this one ever come back around? If he ever does, I know it will take longer than some of the rest since we have something in common.


I LOVE Jungle Boy! He is my equal in loss and in pain. Just as with ALL previous love interests, I will move on. I know that if he learns his life lesson, it’d take a long time to realize that his unfortunate life results stem from his original poor choice and in his case, purposely abandoning his sons because they weren’t physically perfect like him. He moved to the area for numerous reasons, but to also start over since his previous relationships failed him and I wouldn’t doubt it’s due to his vanity and materialistic ways to compensate for neglecting his sons. A beautiful man didn’t make exterior beautiful children, especially sons. His original claim is that he was young when he had them. That was definitely NOT the case, it’s because they just weren’t specimen to his own looks.

“Jungle Girl Loves Jungle Boy, Part 1”



I am crushed beyond and have been crying tears of sorrow. I learned someone’s darkest secret and didn’t reveal to them, mine. Without giving away what it is, all I can say is, the person my heart told me, “I LOVE THIS MAN” has the same dark secret as me! I have been hurt so many times in the past that I learnt to not reveal that part of me to anyone new I meet that could be a potential love interest.


It’s unusual for a Latino man to admit something terrible in his life to anyone much less to a woman of all people! So how did it happen? After Salsa, I had noticed a sudden sad look on his face. I asked him very specifically and he became choked in replying. He revealed to me his darkest secret! I grilled him as he became more hesitant since he’s never discussed the matter. Since his uncle was there, his uncle stepped him to cover up the issue. The rest of the night became awkward. He did give me a kiss on my right cheek dimple after I had surprised him with his birthday gift.


Days later when I was supposed to meet-up with him to give him some books that I have, he called me once to postpone meeting up due to other matters and then when later arrived, he eventually revealed another excuse. This time the excuse made me furious to text him to return his birthday gift. He called me so fast before I can put down my phone!


I was with friends and stepped away to talk to him. I had a difficult time speaking and even tried to say that I’ve given their gift because I like them. Those words that I like them more than a friend were a little scrambled on my part! I ended the call informing them that I’d meet them where we were supposed to before at the same time the next day hanged up as they were saying something else which I didn’t want to know since I was frustrated!


Sure, love comes and goes, but when you have an unusual connection of facing the same tragedy, that’s rare. A person can have immediate sexual connection with just about anyone, but having an emotional bond doesn’t happen often but once in a lifetime, maybe twice for those who live a long life. What started out as a little flirt became something that would hurt, followed by heartache and then heartbreak. When we know something is right, we know in our heart, and the sad part, is that at some point we don’t even know if we should put up a fight.


I would like to share something that I have in common with this person. It’s that even though our families are from far ends of the earth and our ages differ, we have similarities that are of the lesser known. Without revealing those, that is something that humans are short sided to consider when it comes to friendships and even in love. The man is attractive, more handsome than I could have ever dreamt of, but in the end, it wasn’t his looks that got my attention, it was something personal.


He saw me as a friend because that’s based on how we met. If he thought of me as anything else at some point early on, I wouldn’t know. I felt the same way, sort of. I put him in a friend zone for I was afraid that I would lose him, even as a friend. But in the end, I am in love. My heart felt a connection it hasn’t before. My heart felt his hurt that he’s been hiding all along. I may not be able to automatically cure his hurt and deep sorrows, but I saw it and I felt it. I saw it in his eyes and facial expressions. I saw it in how he become solemn. He had been a lost soul just like me, but it’s only a matter of time and energy if he’ll come to realize that I’m empathetic to his problem.


All I can do is share. I’m scared to share it with him. For once, when I finally thought it’d be best to keep it all to myself, I met him, someone who shares the same pains of loss and giving up. He’s traveled all over the world and speaks more languages than me, yet through all of that, his true happiness was hidden and he’d use other means to cover up what’s eating his soul. I, on the other hand, have been all over the USA, and even when I endured life tragedies and originally didn’t have closure, I felt miserable everywhere I went. Once I got closure regarding my life tragedies, I felt renewed and it helps that I keep a simple type of life. As for him, he has been surrounding him in material things since that’s all he’s ever known. Those material things didn’t bring me any happiness where-as for him, he sees it as so. We may differ on certain levels, but the over issue, is that I wasn’t expecting it and neither was he. I know for me, I wasn’t looking. I even lost sleep all together, throughout the weekend from after I had met him on a Friday afternoon.


We share oddball interests. He enjoys reading and I have a lot of books I haven’t come around to read, thanks for being tech conference giveaways! He likes the same wine shop as me close to where we met. He’s a terrible dancer and I’m a little stiff in recent years but I love to try to do some dancing. We both love red. We come from big families. We both have children. He says he has twin boys that he hasn’t seen and doesn’t even know their names. I have two daughters, one I saw nearly two years ago for the first time in ten years, and the other I haven’t seen since she was a year old. We have children we miss that we don’t see. His kids are lastly known to be in another country, where as mine are across the country from me. I’ll leave that part there… He and I parents who have been without our own children and miss them greatly, but since he’s a man of a certain ethnicity, he keeps that part of him bottled up and is currently a terrible stereotype for purposely being absent to his selfishness.


I fear facing him and I fear telling him my story. I hope he does get closure just as I have.