I am going to put my story out there for others to know about.
I had gone through a whirlwind situation with someone that rose and had a downfall in a short period of time. When you least expect it and when you’re definitely NOT planning it, your heart or in this case, mine, falls in love with someone unexpectedly. We live in a society where sexuality is very black and white to the general world population, and never in some sort of gray area. It’s OK for women to be with both men and women sexually but in the end, she’ll only end up with one usually married to a man to which she’ll make a baby or two with. Society stigmatizes that men are either gay or just straight, never really in the middle. So who was the person I had a falling out with?
The problem is that my heart fell in love with a slightly younger man who identifies as solely gay, or at least only sexually gay. In previous conversations, he said he’s dated females while in high school but didn’t have his first sexual experience until he was twenty and with a guy. He grew up in a very small town community in middle America where the average male is wired to be heterosexual since most people tend to be religious Christians. His sexuality was also suppressed growing up since he is a son of a pastor. He himself is not a religious person as an adult. Because this young man has only ever seen sexuality as just black and white, he never told me himself or anyone else that he liked or even loved me. His actions for some time would indicate that he did and even other gay men who’ve been in his presence have picked up on that fact that even though he does identify as gay, he definitely liked or loved me.
When my heart had the feeling of love for this person, it happened during a weird situation. I even lied as I was crying in front of him when my heart felt it because I was also confused. I just didn’t want him to know that my heart fell in love with him. I told him that my allergies are bothering me when I suddenly started crying from the pain my heart that felt love for him. When I finally arrived home that night, I went to bed crying. It was my first official time of feeling love for a significant other type. It was true love; it is real love.
For the next while, a lot of things were difficult for myself because my heart had chosen the love of my life aside from my own children. I tried to be a friend to this guy. While he continued going on dates from guys he met online and on gay hook-up apps, I didn’t say anything until much later when he started to be defensive about going to meet guys. The problem in the end for him was that even though he’s mainly always identified as gay, other gay men picked up on that he wasn’t as gay as he thought he was and some discovered that he was into a female.
In life, a good number of people would lean their romantic and sexual relationships in one extreme of being either gay or straight, whether they’re a man or woman. In the end, we don’t know where our heart is going to give itself to. As time goes by, it’s discovered that many ordinary people settle down with someone of the same gender or even the opposite, when they’ve previously been convinced they were into one particular type. For ages, many people couldn’t handle that their heart fell in love with someone of a different race which was a stigma for centuries and they’d live the rest of their life in misery either alone or unhappily with someone of the same race. By newer standards, just because a man or women identifies as either homosexual or heterosexual, doesn’t mean that they’ll be in a settled down relationship with their said sexual preference.
When we fall someone, it doesn’t matter what racial makeup they are, it doesn’t matter what gender they are, we fall in love because our heart does that for us. Love in modern times, is blind to race and gender. Real and honest love only sees one thing, love.
I didn’t plan on being in love last year. I wasn’t expecting that my heart would love a guy who’s always identified as gay. On my part, I tried to keep our relationship as friends, in the end because we both were into each other a little bit more, our friendship couldn’t sustain itself and he had become bitter towards me due to his sexual frustration. He continues to force himself to date guys, but none of those dates work out because he’s confused. He has also become extremely disrespectful towards me and he’s shown to be selfish on so many levels. He’s selfish when it comes to other heterosexual guys checking me out. I don’t think of myself as anything special or even attractive, so when I get attention by men, I ignore it.
Jealousy is an issue, and an issue on his part. Due to him being a little bit younger than me in age, he doesn’t have life experiences or anyone in a close circle to tell him about his jealousy and selfishness. He has a lack of genuine and real friends in the area. He did that to himself due to being naïve. I’m not saying I was never that way, but I was for a short period of time in a different manner and with having good friends, they educated me about it. I know my friends care because they are honest with me, sometimes brutally honest! He doesn’t have anyone in his life and the closest he ever had to that was me and he couldn’t handle it. For the most part, he’s depressed in his private life now.
What will it take for a person to learn a life lesson? Some people will never learn, while others learn and adjust their life quickly. It’s sad and bad that a great number of people are extremely selfish and stubborn to ever accept change into their personal life. This guy owes me a sincere apology for lashing out at me in front of others, and even one of those persons was someone he even tried to date! He has proven to be a bad example of a person. It doesn’t matter that he mainly identifies as gay even though I have caught his gray eyes turn green in my presence, a sign he’s “horny” for me. Other gay men that I am friends with do treat me with respect but since they know they’re just gay, they never cross a boundary line with me.
As far as now that I doing this article, I haven’t seen this guy in two months and last time I heard from him it’s been a month and a half. The last time he contacted me, he was viciously angry with me. He blames me for his problems and accuses me that everything between us is my fault. He doesn’t and more likely will never accept that he’s been in the wrong. He was raised with a mentality he’s always right when he’s in a conflict and never wrong. So as an adult, he’ll never come to his senses properly to admit he’s been in the wrong the whole time regarding his selfishness, jealousy, and disrespectfulness towards me. Sadly, many adults in general are like him and will suffer for the rest of their life because they refuse to change. Our friendship would have gone more smoothly and lasted longer if only he wasn’t selfish and disrespectful at the very least. Just because he identifies his sexuality one way, doesn’t give him the right to mistreat me or even anyone else. He was so desperately trying to settle down with another male but instead, even part of his heart didn’t want to and his conscious was fighting within himself.
A person’s sexual orientation doesn’t give them the audacity to denounce a person their heart chose for them to love. When we love, we love whomever that person is supposed to be even if we’ve always assumed our gender preference was the other all along. If humans allowed their own heart to pick whom it should fall in love with, people would be surprised yet happy and supposedly content in the end. Many people throughout history have suffered greatly when their true love was someone outside of their norm. I know that I was willing to be this guy’s friend since I know the sexual part would more likely never be consummated. Could I be able to handle seeing him with someone else? I already have and it was shortly after that moment that my heart fell in love with him. I know now that no other decent man would even be with him if he can’t even treat me correctly and with respect. My other gay male friends treat me with respect minus the sexual tension, so it’s plausible.
When we love someone, we’ll do whatever it takes to keep them in our life and try to sacrifice. I’ve had my heart broken and I’m sure many others have suffered the same. For when we sincerely love them, we wish they could feel our pain. It’s not easy to love someone different than what we often thought before. Loving anyone else is the greatest human strength.