I didn’t have to become a blogger; I chose to be one even though I knew it wasn’t a gig that I would be gainfully employed with. People who don’t already know me, are extremely intimidated when they initially encounter me. I’m not tall at all, I’m short and stalky in size! What is it that made me the vocal person that I am today? There are several reasons.
Ever since I was a small child, I was always told by my parents that I am stupid and a failure. I was born in New York, a little bit north of New York City. I’m the third daughter of parents who are displaced immigrants who came from a country where the majority of the people are not educated at all. When I became an adult, I learned that my sisters were the ones who instigated my parents to mistreat me since they resulted in being the real failures and in denial of their actions. I had a horrible upbringing in the way that my sisters and parents had told ALL of our family friends that I am stupid and destined to fail. I struggled in my teens with my identity as a person differently than that of most young people in the community I was part of. While other young people were constantly receiving praise to succeed, I was always yelled at by my mother and sisters instead for no particular reason other than they just chose to take their frustration out on me due to their mistakes and failures.
In due time, I learned something about my own self. I had a revelation that I could either continue to be the said failure my family insisted I was, or I can change that. When I decided to go back to school after completing high school, I didn’t ask my mother for money to pay for my classes. Rather, I did the paperwork as I would apply for financial aid. The reason why I didn’t ask my mother, as most young people would’ve ask their parents, is because not long before, my middle sister had our mother pay for her to take some classes, and she dropped out before she even attended a class, getting refunded and wasting the money on useless stuff instead. I’m not the best student due to my learning disability, but I passed the semester, which is more than my two older sisters have ever done in their whole life. But that didn’t impress my mother.
After nearly a decade went by, my mother suffered a stroke on my birthday. I was living in San Francisco, California and my mother was visiting the Central Valley. She didn’t even contact me that she would be coming out. I had to learn from some cousin’s Facebook that my mother suffered a stroke. By the end of my birthday that year, I was at my mother’s side as she was in the hospital. I was informed before going to see my mother that she hadn’t move and when she finally saw me, she jumped out of the hospital bed! I would visit my mother in the hospital nearly every day for five weeks she was in there. I had some choice words with my mother and made her cry since she couldn’t speak at the time.
I told my mother that I was upset she didn’t tell me she was coming out to California. I let my mother know that it was stupid of her to have given everything to my other siblings and not one thing to me. I made sure my mother cried in heartache that I was the only one of her children to come see her while in the hospital as my other siblings made pathetic excuses to not make an emergency trip. I assisted the nurses in taking care of my mother during her stay. I even did the adult thing to handle my mother’s medical needs since my siblings were not physically present.
Even after I had taken care of my young mother, people in my personal life, continued to mistreat me. Why? Because every single person who did, has never experienced an extreme case of sudden responsibility where they’re forced to make the final decision on the behalf of a family member!
As I learned to socialize more with people I would meet from originally tech events, I would meet other men and women who’ve endured either the same or similar circumstances out of their control. For some time, I felt alone amongst the general population around me who couldn’t empathize with me. Taking the first step in approaching people no matter their profession, gender, race, sexual orientation, etc., I learned that there are people whom I can relate to with regarding our tragedies. Everyone handles their circumstance differently, yet, if I hadn’t pushed out of my bubble, I would have never known people with similar struggles.
I’ve learned that the tech industry, especially tech security is extremely sexist towards women. How the men have mistreated me has affected me but I’ve always forced myself to get up and push my way through! I have also gotten involved in the gaming industry, which is sexist as well, but not as terrible as security. I’ve used my expertise from film school and applied them in the gaming industry. I’ve made attempts to be a computer programmer, but to save me time, I partially gave that up in the sense that I attend meetups to keep track of what’s happening, but don’t actually program.
No one told me before I made friends with some people a little bit older than me here in San Francisco, of how I should pull myself together. Some of the other places I’ve lived, most persons are still in a rut, so they can’t offer advice to get out of one. The transition took several years, which is a long time for some and quickly for others, and it’s still a work in progress. I know and see people who choose to fail in life as an adult because they harbor resentment from their childhood. If there’s one piece of advice I can share regarding my childhood, it would be that I rarely asked for help on any level. I taught myself to do A LOT of things and tackle issues that were regarded meant for men only.
I was taught how to cook at a young age. Since I came from a large family, I was trained to cook for many without looking at a recipe book or searching the internet. If I need to move something large in size, I trained myself to move it instead. I didn’t like to wait for assistance since the majority of the time, most people would skip out last moment, making up lies as to why they failed. I trained myself to get things done without asking for help. Even as I got older, I still do physical activities alone.
I want people to know that it’s up to your own self to continue to be that pathetic person that your own family plagued you to be, or, you can change that and be a much better able bodied person who is greater in many ways. Most people continue to stay in their flunked state, while I had taught myself and continue to teach myself to stay away from the broken side of me that I was engrained to be. I didn’t have to, but I chose to change.
Over the years, SOOOOOOOOOO many people have been selfish on their end and did as much as they could to take everything I ever loved: my daughters, my mother, and even the love of my life. I have had so many people determined to jeopardize my employment status at some of the places I’ve worked because they were miserable and I had a happy spirit. I’ve had to deal with selfish people who tried to make sure I’d lose out having a roof over my head. I’ve known many people exclaim that “karma” would come back and haunt those who’ve hurt me. In truth, karma doesn’t exist! Nothing bad has happened to any of the persons who have terrorized my spirit to destroy me. All of those persons are living luxuriously psychologically. I have to bounce myself back every day, every moment that someone only wants to hurt me to make themselves feel almighty. Some people enter our lives for various reasons, while those who pain us can be selfish and jealous family members. Not everyone is fortunate to have family members to love and care for them. If family members were treating their fellow sibling with an act of tough love, it would have been evident by now.
Family are the first to hurt us. Family are the first people determined to take anything we’ve worked hard for away from us. Family are the first to stab us in the back. Family are the first to betray us. Family is the first to disown us. Family will always be the last to apologize and in some cases, will take it to their grave to never do so.
We build a network of special friends as adults nowadays. That group of friends aren’t the people we grew up with as children. These are the people who are of various age groups and races, but we have some very different things in common: we’ve endured extreme loss and hardships. We take that step forward in life to socialize and engage with the people around us. It doesn’t matter what racial heritage they come from, how old they are as an adult, or gender. There are many people who’ve endured similar tragedies to us and we would have never known, if we hadn’t taken the first step to get to know one another. There are people who are literally close to us physically who could use someone to reach out to inform them that they’re not the only one suffering from tragedies, agony, and hardships.