I am crushed beyond and have been crying tears of sorrow. I learned someone’s darkest secret and didn’t reveal to them, mine. Without giving away what it is, all I can say is, the person my heart told me, “I LOVE THIS MAN” has the same dark secret as me! I have been hurt so many times in the past that I learnt to not reveal that part of me to anyone new I meet that could be a potential love interest.
It’s unusual for a Latino man to admit something terrible in his life to anyone much less to a woman of all people! So how did it happen? After Salsa, I had noticed a sudden sad look on his face. I asked him very specifically and he became choked in replying. He revealed to me his darkest secret! I grilled him as he became more hesitant since he’s never discussed the matter. Since his uncle was there, his uncle stepped him to cover up the issue. The rest of the night became awkward. He did give me a kiss on my right cheek dimple after I had surprised him with his birthday gift.
Days later when I was supposed to meet-up with him to give him some books that I have, he called me once to postpone meeting up due to other matters and then when later arrived, he eventually revealed another excuse. This time the excuse made me furious to text him to return his birthday gift. He called me so fast before I can put down my phone!
I was with friends and stepped away to talk to him. I had a difficult time speaking and even tried to say that I’ve given their gift because I like them. Those words that I like them more than a friend were a little scrambled on my part! I ended the call informing them that I’d meet them where we were supposed to before at the same time the next day hanged up as they were saying something else which I didn’t want to know since I was frustrated!
Sure, love comes and goes, but when you have an unusual connection of facing the same tragedy, that’s rare. A person can have immediate sexual connection with just about anyone, but having an emotional bond doesn’t happen often but once in a lifetime, maybe twice for those who live a long life. What started out as a little flirt became something that would hurt, followed by heartache and then heartbreak. When we know something is right, we know in our heart, and the sad part, is that at some point we don’t even know if we should put up a fight.
I would like to share something that I have in common with this person. It’s that even though our families are from far ends of the earth and our ages differ, we have similarities that are of the lesser known. Without revealing those, that is something that humans are short sided to consider when it comes to friendships and even in love. The man is attractive, more handsome than I could have ever dreamt of, but in the end, it wasn’t his looks that got my attention, it was something personal.
He saw me as a friend because that’s based on how we met. If he thought of me as anything else at some point early on, I wouldn’t know. I felt the same way, sort of. I put him in a friend zone for I was afraid that I would lose him, even as a friend. But in the end, I am in love. My heart felt a connection it hasn’t before. My heart felt his hurt that he’s been hiding all along. I may not be able to automatically cure his hurt and deep sorrows, but I saw it and I felt it. I saw it in his eyes and facial expressions. I saw it in how he become solemn. He had been a lost soul just like me, but it’s only a matter of time and energy if he’ll come to realize that I’m empathetic to his problem.
All I can do is share. I’m scared to share it with him. For once, when I finally thought it’d be best to keep it all to myself, I met him, someone who shares the same pains of loss and giving up. He’s traveled all over the world and speaks more languages than me, yet through all of that, his true happiness was hidden and he’d use other means to cover up what’s eating his soul. I, on the other hand, have been all over the USA, and even when I endured life tragedies and originally didn’t have closure, I felt miserable everywhere I went. Once I got closure regarding my life tragedies, I felt renewed and it helps that I keep a simple type of life. As for him, he has been surrounding him in material things since that’s all he’s ever known. Those material things didn’t bring me any happiness where-as for him, he sees it as so. We may differ on certain levels, but the over issue, is that I wasn’t expecting it and neither was he. I know for me, I wasn’t looking. I even lost sleep all together, throughout the weekend from after I had met him on a Friday afternoon.
We share oddball interests. He enjoys reading and I have a lot of books I haven’t come around to read, thanks for being tech conference giveaways! He likes the same wine shop as me close to where we met. He’s a terrible dancer and I’m a little stiff in recent years but I love to try to do some dancing. We both love red. We come from big families. We both have children. He says he has twin boys that he hasn’t seen and doesn’t even know their names. I have two daughters, one I saw nearly two years ago for the first time in ten years, and the other I haven’t seen since she was a year old. We have children we miss that we don’t see. His kids are lastly known to be in another country, where as mine are across the country from me. I’ll leave that part there… He and I parents who have been without our own children and miss them greatly, but since he’s a man of a certain ethnicity, he keeps that part of him bottled up and is currently a terrible stereotype for purposely being absent to his selfishness.
I fear facing him and I fear telling him my story. I hope he does get closure just as I have.